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Nothing is going to happen today that You and I can’t handle together

It’s been a really intense month, physically and emotionally.

We started with the taster day at school and the older two looking so grown up in their uniform and equally excited. There were tears at bedtime because they couldn’t go again until September! There were also tears on the way home at the end of the day. It’s a half-hour walk each way, if they don’t dawdle, and that’s a pretty big if. I know they will get used to it. I know I’m going to want to give up on walking them to school a few times before we reach that stage. It’s no doubt going to be super interesting the second half of the week, when Fuddle’s Keeper has got to do there and back twice a day because she’s only doing two days to start with, and that’s before we start on Kamikaze’s view of the pushchair… she had no problem sharing that opinion with me.  Loudly.

We went pretty much straight from that to going away minus the small people, it’s the first time we’d left Kamikaze and the first time we’d been away without the small people or me pregnant in over five years.  Next time I am confiscating the husbands phone.  That said, we did get some much needed rest!

On returning, finally got to the hairdressers and dealing with the feral look that the girls had got going on.  Kamikaze loved sitting on my knee to have her hair cut.  We walked, because they’ve got to get used to it, and it’s a bit further on than the school is.  But we had to go past the village Church and therefore the graveyard.  So we spent half hour reading gravestones and the war memorial.  Since my grandfather’s death we’ve spent a lot of time doing this.  Moving on, processing your own grief, trying to explain that no one knows when they are going to die or what age they will be doesn’t really get any easier.  At a pre-school play day with friends, my children didn’t build walls or such with the stack of large building bricks, they built gravestones.  It’s become so normal a part of life that I didn’t think all that much of it, the volunteers running the session didn’t quite know what to say to them.  The chapel at the estate has a nine year old buried in the graveyard.  That doesn’t help with the questions either.

Scaffolding and roof work may have been the source of much excitement for the small people, but they haven’t had to deal with the stresses.  The scaffolders had to be hassled to actually finish the job in time for the roofers to be able to do the job and then again to come and take the stuff down.  I’m very glad it’s now all finally gone.  Wouldn’t recommend them to anyone!  The roofing company have been at the opposite end of the spectrum; later this week I’ve got plasterers in and then next week decorators, because water pouring through the ceilings has not done them much good.  After a full day with small people, coming round to water dripping at 2am is not something anyone wants to deal with.  By 3am I was sat in the living room watching a 40l bucket fill with brown water and wondering how much of the room I could clear, basically in preparation for the ceiling to come down, something that didn’t happen thankfully.  It must have been a few hundred litres of water that the husband and I bailed out from buckets in the roof.  When all is said and done it is only cosmetic damage and that amazes me.

We got about an hours sleep once the storm had passed before the day started and my parents came to help clean up, not least because they have a carpet cleaner.  It took all day really to get some semblance of normalcy back.  Or as normal as it can get with an office full of everything from the roof, wet carpets, brown ceilings and a lingering smell of the muck washed through the ceiling.  The time spent sat down, my Mum and I sat with a pile of school uniform and name tapes.  The adrenaline running through meant I didn’t really sleep that night either.

With absolutely no where to put anything else I’m now trying to get the living room cleared enough to give the plasterer access to the full ceiling.  Not making much progress with that.  This morning I noticed another patch on the hall ceiling that needs something doing too, but actually can’t face that now, it’s simply going to have to wait for another time.

And the end of the month is a couple of really hard goodbyes. Some close friends have moved 250 miles away. It’s leaving a huge hole for all five of us really and I know the full ramifications have yet to be understood by the small people.  They’re official godparents to Fuddle’s Keeper, but a while ago the eldest said he wanted to adopt them as his too (nothing against his actual godparents, who he loves too), and this morning I’ve sat with Kamikaze wanting to look through photographs of her and their daughter.

This morning I’ve also dropped the older two at the germ factory for the last time.  My emotionally wrung out, physically exhausted self has been left with a day of a wailing, teething, Kamikaze to gather my thoughts to no doubt deal with them grasping the finality of it all when picking them up later.

Some months all you can do is put one foot in front of the other, knowing it’s not actually enough to get you through but trusting God will do the rest.  Growing up I had a poster on the wall that read, Help me to remember Lord that nothing is going to happen today that You and I can’t handle together.  I’m starting to think we need find where it’s ended up and put it up by the front door…

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